Ever since starting this blog and beginning to read other blogs of women and men struggling with this similar issue with weight, it’s gotten me to do a lot of thinking.  Instead of wondering how I was going to finally win the battle of the bulge, I found myself asking other questions.

I began to think about why I wanted to lose the weight.  Why was food my emotional crutch?  When had I stopped following my hunger and began simply feeding my emotions?  I began to think about why I was putting a piece of food in my mouth and what I thought it would accomplish.  I’ve begun to eat being dictated by my stomach, not my head.  I’ve started to wonder what the real reason is for this desire to be "thin", especially since I’ve been at that "ideal" weight once or twice and was just as unhappy as I’ve been at heavier times in my life.

For me, it can’t be about dieting anymore, but at the same time, I can’t ignore the fact that I have an unhealthy relationship with food that needs to be addressed.  I’m not so sure that this journey is about weight loss as a goal anymore as much as it is a chance to end the obsession over my weight once and for all.  I’m not talking about fat acceptance here, I’m talking about looking at more than just dieting as the answer to a problem that runs much deeper. 

There is a game I play in my head, and yet, it’s a game I was never taught by anyone other than myself.  It’s a game that just came naturally to me, a person who is an expert at beating themselves up for even the smallest of things.

It’s called "Am I fatter than her?"  See, when I’m in public, I often find myself evaluating my body size/shape against other women whom I see at the mall, at the store, on the train.  It’s not meant to be fun or cruel to anyone- with the exception of it being cruel to my self-esteem.  It’s so tiring, all this comparing and evaluating and inner dialogue, and yet, I find it hard to keep myself from doing it.  But why am I always measuring myself against others?  Why do I care so much?  Am I the only freak that does this?  Am I really that self-loathing?  What is accomplished by this?

Just a random thought that came to me this morning when thinking about a blog topic. 

*Today’s Alternative to Chocolate (a.k.a. my current guilty pleasure): Buying myself flowers

Last night, for the first time in what seems like ages, I went running outside.  It was one of those perfect nights for running- not too hot, not too cold, and just a hint of breeze to cool you off.  It’d been so long that I realized just how much I missed being outdoors and how much I hated working out in a gym/house/etc.

As I was running, I felt really alive for the first time in a long time.  Maybe I’ve been cooped up for too long.  Maybe it’s been too long and overcast of a winter.  Maybe I just needed to get my body in motion to reconnect with myself.  Whatever it was, it was like a jump-start to my body and soul.  I’m re-energized and ready to be inspired by others around me- whether it be the blogger who’s fighting the battle against fat like myself or the little kid out riding her bike with a wide smile across her face, just because it’s FUN.  I’m ready to listen to my body to tell me it’s hungry, and not my mind trying to coerce me into having a brownie so I can "feel" better.  I’m ready to quit trying to fill the empty spaces and places with food.  Maybe I’m kidding myself and tomorrow I’ll be pigging out on pizza and ice cream, but in this moment, I have to believe that I can do it, and that it is, in fact, possible.

*Today’s Alternative to Chocolate (a.k.a. my current guilty pleasure): The Real Housewives of Orange County

Despite the fact that I’ve already eaten breakfast (4 Thin Mints at 5 a.m., OJ and Cinnamon Crunch Toast cereal- total 550 calories), there are chocolate chip cookies in our office break room and I just feel like I HAVE to have one.  Why?

I’m not hungry, but it’s that feeling of "It’s not fair, why can’t I have one" and "I’d better get one before they run out".  Where does that come from?  Like I’ll never be able to have another chocolate chip cookie again?!?  Like it’s just not fair- everyone else can have one, but nobody gets fat like I do from eating them.  I just don’t understand.