Lost
July 17, 2006…it’s not just a TV show, it’s a metaphor for my life.
This past weekend was an eye-opener for me. I won’t get into the specifics as to what happened, because the specifics really aren’t important. It’s the self-destructive things I’ve done and seen in myself that have stopped and given me pause as to what kind of life I’m living and what kind of life I want to live.
I want so very much to say "I’m colossally fucked up" and just leave it at that. But that’s such a cop-out, such a hollow statement. I’m hurting inside, and I’m scared. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to fully open my heart up to love, that I’ll always believe the demon voices in my head that tell me I’m not worthy of being loved. That I’ll always make the wrong choice. That I’ll always sabotage the good things that are in my life and gravitate towards the negative, reckless things that stir up self-hate. That I’ll use my addictive vices (food and alcohol) to blot out the pain that I don’t want, but need, to face. That my past will always dictate my future. That I’ll sit by, watching idly as life passes me by.
But I can do it no longer. I can’t push the people I love away from me. I can no longer deny that I have a problem with alcohol, with intimacy, with facing my fears. I just don’t know where to start and how to begin fixing the mess I’ve made of my life.
I looked at your posting because I thought it was about the tv series Lost. I am not trivializing your posting, but some thing caused me to come across it today.
I have been out of work for three months. I should be pissed off and upset about it. I have had a long career and been successful, I should be working. But instead I know something good will happen to me. Maybe not on my time table. (Like today.) But it will happen. My faith and my relationship with Christ helps me in my struggles. My struggles include a temper and lust.
I will not be able to solve your issues in a quick response to your posting on a blog. And know that being a Christian is not a solution in itself. But a relationship with Christ will make your struggles more bearable. Know that you can have a relationship with Christ. Take a look at John 1:1. Think about it. May God bless you and help you in your time of trouble.
Yours in Christ, Scott
Comment by Scott — July 17, 2006 @ 2:07 pm
i highly recommend therapy - i had a bought of depression a few years back and it really made a difference… having an unbiased opinion about things really puts a different perspective on your life and how you’re viewing things… if you’re frightened, don’t be - its the best thing you could possibly do for yourself… deep problems will never go away on their own, i used to think they would but they don’t - they just get worse… do what’s best for you, this is just a route i took once…
)
Comment by jodi — July 17, 2006 @ 5:47 pm
Hi Honey
HUG Please believe me when I tell you that where you are right now I’ve been more than once in my life and what has lifted me out of the black hole that I was in was exactly what Jodi has suggested for you to do. My friend, if you feel that you’d like to talk to me about this by private e-mail, I want you to know that I am here to offer you unconditional friendship. Please take care of yourself, ok? I’ll be thinking of you and will be checking back here again soon…
Comment by Fat Bitch — August 3, 2006 @ 3:08 am
Well good luck to you, hopefully you are better now.
Comment by diet news — January 25, 2007 @ 12:57 am