…it’s not just a TV show, it’s a metaphor for my life.

This past weekend was an eye-opener for me.  I won’t get into the specifics as to what happened, because the specifics really aren’t important.  It’s the self-destructive things I’ve done and seen in myself that have stopped and given me pause as to what kind of life I’m living and what kind of life I want to live.

I want so very much to say "I’m colossally fucked up" and just leave it at that.  But that’s such a cop-out, such a hollow statement.  I’m hurting inside, and I’m scared.  I’m afraid I’ll never be able to fully open my heart up to love, that I’ll always believe the demon voices in my head that tell me I’m not worthy of being loved.  That I’ll always make the wrong choice.  That I’ll always sabotage the good things that are in my life and gravitate towards the negative, reckless things that stir up self-hate.  That I’ll use my addictive vices (food and alcohol) to blot out the pain that I don’t want, but need, to face.  That my past will always dictate my future.  That I’ll sit by, watching idly as life passes me by.

But I can do it no longer.  I can’t push the people I love away from me.  I can no longer deny that I have a problem with alcohol, with intimacy, with facing my fears.  I just don’t know where to start and how to begin fixing the mess I’ve made of my life.

Wow- it’s been awhile since I last posted.  So many things have been going on in my life that have caused me to lapse back into my old ways. 

I’m so frustrated with myself.  I can’t decide whether to give up on dieting (and continue working in my Diet Survivor’s Handbook and try and overcome dieting once and for all) or if I’m still holding onto the hope that I might lose weight and might give dieting one more try.  Do I really want to spend the rest of my life on this rollercoaster of dieting and gaining, over and over?  Am I ready to accept and love my body as it is?  I just don’t know.  I see pictures of me back when I was more "fit" and "skinnier", and the pictures of me now are hard to look at.

Wow, what a positive post to start my blogging again…