The Fat/Skinny Game
April 13, 2006There is a game I play in my head, and yet, it’s a game I was never taught by anyone other than myself. It’s a game that just came naturally to me, a person who is an expert at beating themselves up for even the smallest of things.
It’s called "Am I fatter than her?" See, when I’m in public, I often find myself evaluating my body size/shape against other women whom I see at the mall, at the store, on the train. It’s not meant to be fun or cruel to anyone- with the exception of it being cruel to my self-esteem. It’s so tiring, all this comparing and evaluating and inner dialogue, and yet, I find it hard to keep myself from doing it. But why am I always measuring myself against others? Why do I care so much? Am I the only freak that does this? Am I really that self-loathing? What is accomplished by this?
Just a random thought that came to me this morning when thinking about a blog topic.
*Today’s Alternative to Chocolate (a.k.a. my current guilty pleasure): Buying myself flowers
Oy! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done this! Only for me, it was more like, “Do I LOOK fatter than her?” which is by and large the same thing. This game fell away after the last time I was The Fattest Bridesmaid, a shame all its own for all its pomp and circumstance and display. In this case, I happened to be in a very small south Georgia town where they did my hair and makeup in the local style, which made me appear quite ugly, in my opinion, on top of being The Fattest Bridesmaid! And I tell you, I am actually a very pretty woman. It takes a unique talent to make me look ugly.
After these experiences, I got used to being (or looking) fatter than whoever. But I know just what you mean!
Comment by Wendy — April 13, 2006 @ 5:37 pm
Yeah, you are really not alone in that. I play the fat versus not-as-fat comparison game. I also look at other women and think how much better life would be if I could fit in that outfit, if I had that girl’s great thighs, if my bum was that perky. It’s totally a game of dragging myself down, but I’ve done it my whole life and am not really sure how I would stop.
Comment by Kelly — April 13, 2006 @ 7:25 pm
Ohmigosh, I did this for years and years, especially when I wasn’t even really that big –in sharp contrast to my self-perception, because of course I thought I was hopelessly obese at the time (I had nooooo idea what I was in for). But when I finally did get obese, thankyouverymuch — I took myself out of the game entirely. Sort of a denial thing really. Go figure.
Comment by Blue Lue — April 14, 2006 @ 3:25 pm
I play that game everyday. What is even worse…….. I think I may have taught my daughter that game. It is odd tho the heavier I got the more judgemental I got about “skinny” people, and their fashion sense. I think it has more to do with jealousy over this perception that I would get arrested for showing any belly, truly indecent exposure.
Comment by theresa — April 14, 2006 @ 5:57 pm
I play that game all the time! One time my husband asked if I was checking out a girl that walked by. I wasn’t. I just wanted to be her. She had on jeans and a white tank and looked completely comfortable with her self. I have never been comfortable enough to wear a tank in public. I get obsessed with body parts, too! Are my arms fatter than hers. Does my ass look that big in jeans?…yikes!
Comment by Gretchen — April 17, 2006 @ 6:28 pm
Wow, this is totally insightful.
When I was overweight (aka most of my life) I would always look around for guys that were heavier-set than me so I wouldn’t feel like the fattest guy in the room. Now, I look around the gym and play the game ‘who is less buff than me?’ so I don’t feel like the wimpiest one there. Maybe its time for me to re-think my thinking!
Comment by Jonathan — April 17, 2006 @ 10:53 pm
I once married a guy who is 6′8 ‘cause standing next to him made me “feel” petite..
Comment by Joie — April 21, 2006 @ 3:09 pm